Friday, May 15, 2009

Falling in love.. once more

During my pregnancy, I never confessed to anyone whose judgement I cared about my one fear about having a second child. But I worried about it almost every day. It was the fear that I could not love another child like I love Ashwin.

My love for Ashwin is total - all the love I am capable of and so I thought I would have none (or at least not enough) left for a second child. The purpose of a second child for me was that Ashwin needs a sibling to grow up with. I did not really think of this as MY CHILD as much as of ASHWIN'S SISTER. There were days when I was consumed by the thought being unfair to the second child who will never get the love Ashwin got from me.

The moment she was born, the first feeling I experienced was relief of not having to push anymore. And then tiredness. I had company for most of the day and since Divya was whisked off to the nursery to stay under the heat most of the time the first day, I had plenty of time to rest. Even during this time, I missed Ashwin and felt inadequate that I wasn't at home to take care of him.

Divya had a feed at about 1am early morning and then the kind nurse offered to take her to the nursery so that I could rest. I accepted.

At 4:30, a nurse wheeled Divya to my room and said she's crying and needs a feed. I thought - Oh my God, there is another being here for whom a basic need can be fulfilled by me and only by me! My heart filled up a little. I scooped her up and placed her in my bed ready to feed her. She looked at me with eyes like that of a playful kitten as if to say, let's spend some time together, the feed can wait. She purred to me in her language and I told her, "I love you", as sincerely as when I tell Ashwin. After the feed, we spent a couple of hours together in bed snuggling with each other and discovering another bond of absolute total love.

I fell in love.. once more..

I can't imagine now what I worried about during all those months!

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